Archive for the ‘Marcus’ Ashes Diary’ Category

Before play started we were given the news that Stuart Broad has torn a muscle in his side and will play no further part in this tour, it’s a great shame for him and for England as he would have been perfect for Perth with its bouncy pitch, but in Chris Tremlett we have an able replacement, I feel that both Bresnan and Shahzad are better bowlers but for Perth, Chris Tremlett was made to bowl there.

Still feeling rough with my headaches, went back to the doctors who assured me I have nothing more wrong than was first diagnosed, I cannot question it as I do not have a medical degree but I will see how I feel come the end of the week, due to not feeling well I have no snacks whatsoever!

23.32pm: I missed the first two overs of the day as I was unaware that play was starting early again, missed nothing important so no harm done.

23.39pm: Beardy Prior misses a catching chance of Hussey, this could prove disastrous as Hussey can bat all day if needed to and also plays spin very well so negates the danger that Swann possesses.

23.54pm: Fortunately that miss from Hussey didn’t prove too costly as he plays a terrible shot from a high delivery from Finn and hooks it skywards and into Jimmy Anderson’s hands.

00.00am: Anderson is really causing Haddin some problems, his bowling is accurate and you feel Haddin really wants to play at one but just can’t, 272/5.

00.12am: Swann is back bowling, he needs to stay in now until the Aussies are all out.

00.20am: Finally the consistency of Anderson’s bowling pays dividends when Haddin caught one with his bat and it went straight into Beardy Priors gloves. 286/6.

00.24am: Harris comes in on a king pair (when you get out with the first ball you face in both innings) and duly obliges by getting trapped first ball LBW by Anderson, he reviews it with an expectant shrug and the review confirms the decision, Australia struggling now on 286/7.

00.27am: A massive appeal goes up for LBW against North, the umpire says no, England review and it was given out, a massive blow as Australia’s last recognised ‘batsman’ is out and the tail is exposed.

00.36am: I remember one of the commentators of TMSofa saying yesterday that he had something in common with X-Doh, they were both going to play the same amount of test matches from the end of this test until the day they die, none!

00.41am: Australia’s tail enders momentarily are putting up a little fight by both scoring 4’s.

00.42am: The resistance is short lived and X-Doh is bowled between bat and pad by Swann.

00.49am: Doug the rug plays a couple of decent shots and the Australian total moves past 300, they are still a long way from avoiding an innings defeat.

00.55am: Swann clean bowls Siddle with a peach of a ball and it is over, Australia are out for 304, England win by an innings and 71 runs.

It has been a truly fantastic performance from England and they have dominated from the beginning, we now head to Perth 1-0 in the series and because we are the holders only need 1 win from the last 3 tests to retain the Ashes.

A nice stat to end, Peter Siddle’s wicket fell at 10.55am local time, at 1.42 the rain started falling and did not stop all day, the Aussies only needed to bat on for 90 minutes or so to have secured the draw, wonder if Mike Hussey will be thinking about that when he sees a replay of the shite shot he played to get out.

Oh and also, yesterday was Adelaide’s wettest December day since records began in 1839. Good timing boys…….

See you in Perth (not actually of course)


Sleep total for 1st test – 28.5 hours (still quite respectable but remember bad head + painkillers)

Sleep count for 2nd test – 25.5 hours

Food count for 1st test – 2 Cheese, Ham and Tomato toasties, 2 Ham and tomato ketchup sandwiches,1 Chicken and Mushroom pot Noodle, 2 slices of bread and butter, 2 mallow chocs, 1 WS&V, 1 WC&O, 1 Steak kettle chips (150g), 1 Roysters, 1 crunch corner, Faye’s leftover Cantonese chicken, 4 pints of diet Pepsi, 1 pint of Beck Vier, 1 bottle of diet coke (200ml) and 1 pint of water.

Food count for 2nd test – 5 pints of diet Pepsi, 2 WC&O, 1 pickled onion monster munch, 2 cheese and ham toasties, a pack of custard creams.

FIFA record P11 W10 D1 L1 – F25 A13.

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Heading into day 4 there have been rumours of more rain so Strauss needs to be careful regarding what he does next, he could bat on and quickly add another 80 or 100 runs then put them in and see if we can knock them down, alternatively he could declare now, personally I would declare now and let Swanny get at them, but maybe that is why I’m sat in N. Wales watching and he is over there with the decision.

11.30pm: I flick on Sky Sports ready for the action and as I do they are ready to bowl the first ball, that was lucky, they are making time up which was lost due to rain yesterday.

11.32pm: As I was not ready for the start, I have no snacks prepared, I will rectify that situation asap, KP and Bell get their 100 partnership, that is 4 consecutive 100+ partnerships for England, impressive!

11.46pm: KP is caught at 1st slip off the bowling of….X-Doh, the Aussie selectors have nailed it, KP’s frailty against left arm spinners is once again shown and he gets his man for….227 (only 18 short of Australia’s entire 1st innings!) KP bests his previous highest score by 1.

11.53pm: Prior is out LBW from Siddle, he starts to walk but just for the hell of it calls for a review, why not, we have 2 left and only the tail after him, review shows the ball missing leg stump by 4 or 5 inches, not out, result!

11.55pm: I pop downstairs and get myself a pint of diet Pepsi and 1 WC&O.

11.57pm: Bell get his 50, he was the man all the chatter was about as the form batsman coming into the ashes, unfortunately for him (but not for anyone else) all the top order batsmen have been scoring for fun so he hasn’t had a chance yet.

11.59pm: Bell reverse sweeps one and the injured Katich has to run all the way to the boundary to retrieve it, they run 4 so he needn’t have bothered, just made me laugh!

00.05am: England reach 600, Bell and beardy Prior are flying, I imagine a declaration is imminent, within 20 mins I think (although you can never second guess Strauss)

00.11am: This is one-day stuff from them now, they are scoring at about 10 runs an over at the moment.

00.12am: England declare on 620/6, that is a lead of 375 and just for the record the weather looks fine at the moment.

00.22am: Australia start the run chase and Katich faces his 1st ball in 4 days of cricket!

00.42am: A comfortable start from the Aussies and they are 30/0, Also I have just eaten my WC&O.

00.57am: Australia are 44/0, the wicket is playing the same at the moment and they are looking good, Swann is coming in to bowl, this literally could be the pivotal moment in this test.

01.10am: Drinks break and Australia are 50/0.

01.20am: England have Swann and Broad bowling in tandem at the moment and they are doing an excellent job, hardly giving any runs away, 51/0.

01.27am: Swann is really causing them problems but still no breakthrough, 55/0.

01.48am: Let me say I am a massive cricket fan but even I am only just about getting through this, it is very tedious at the moment.

02.00am: Lunch, Australia are 78/0. FIFA time.

For the 1st time since I started this diary I will admit that my opponent, shovelikethesun, was definitely a better player than me, I really struggled to get the ball from him at any point, I was playing as Manchester City (as always) he chose Chelsea, like I said it was attack, attack, attack from him but he never scored and at Full Time it was 0-0.

Extra time started and it was much the same until a hopeful hoof up field found David Silva on his own and massively against the run of play I score to make it 1-0, now I need to defend again but alas the pressure tells and Malouda gets on the end of a rebound and makes it 1-1 with 3 minutes to go.

So, also for the first time I have a penalty shootout, I don’t remember who scored what but amazingly I won 4-3, massively outplayed but as Jimmy Greaves used to say “It’s a funny old game”.

Fredi Fudpukka Vs shovelikethesun      

Manchester City Vs Chelsea



        Silva 101’      Malouda 117’

02.40am: Swann is picking up where he left off, looking quite dangerous.

02.56am: Finally a breakthrough, Katich edges to Prior from the brilliant Swann and it’s 84/0, I had a bet that their first wicket would fall after 84.5 runs, fucks sake!!

03.03am: Swann is tormenting Ponting here, it’s great to watch.

03.11am: It has taken Ponting 15 minutes to score a run such the pressure that Swann has put him under.

03.14am: I’m sure none of you care that much about my health but after 10 days I am still suffering with headaches so am heading back to the doctors tomorrow, this requires me ringing for an appointment at 8am, that is on my mind with regard to how long I stay up.

03.18am: The pressure on Ponting pays off and he edges Swann to Colly at first slip for 9, great catch low to his left.

03.31am: Tiredness is getting the better of me now, sleep time, hopefully Swann can get 5 by the morning. Australia 111/2.

07.55am: Awake, Australia finished the day on 238/4, not ideal but assuming the rain holds off we surely should go one up after 2 tests.

Turns out there was drama at the end when it was KP of all people that got Michael Clarke with what was the last ball of the day, this brings up the interesting memory of Harmison taking Clarke at Edgbaston in 2005, this ball set up victory in that game, I hope it does again.

So I am now off to pray to the sun god of Australia to fight off the evil rain and help what I am certain will be England going 1-0 up in the series.

One thing I would like to point out is, when me and George recorded our Ashes preview Sportscast, my prediction for the Ashes was an unbelievably optimistic 3-0 to England, what is funny now is that can anybody seriously tell me they think Australia will win one match, let alone the series, they are looking completely hapless with regards to bowling and take Watson and Hussy out, the batting has been suspect too, this is going to be England’s Ashes, I feel it in my bones!

See you tomorrow.


Sleep total for 1st test – 28.5 hours (still quite respectable but remember bad head + painkillers)

Sleep count for 2nd test – 19.5 hours

Food count for 1st test – 2 Cheese, Ham and Tomato toasties, 2 Ham and tomato ketchup sandwiches,1 Chicken and Mushroom pot Noodle, 2 slices of bread and butter, 2 mallow chocs, 1 WS&V, 1 WC&O, 1 Steak kettle chips (150g), 1 Roysters, 1 crunch corner, Faye’s leftover Cantonese chicken, 4 pints of diet Pepsi, 1 pint of Beck Vier, 1 bottle of diet coke (200ml) and 1 pint of water.

Food count for 2nd test – 5 pints of diet Pepsi, 2 WC&O, 1 pickled onion monster munch, 2 cheese and ham toasties, a pack of custard creams.

FIFA record P11 W10 D1 L1 – F25 A13.

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So today I have suffered a setback regarding my head problems, I have had a terrible migraine all day so have spent it semi-conscious on the couch medicated with co-codamel, I feel a lot better tonight though so hopefully I will have the stamina to see us through till tea.

And after that morbid start (sorry for that) I will update the snacks, I have 2 packs of Pickled Onion Monster Munch, a large pack of custard cream biscuits (an impulse buy, but haven’t had them for ages!) I have also bought the ingredients for toasties, so should the mood take me I can indulge, and of course, I have the customary pint of diet Pepsi.

11.48pm: As always, TMSofa on, Sky turned down.

00.00am: 1st over of the day is bowled.

00.07am: England have started safely with KP and Cook, Aussies have the Rug and Rolf Harris bowling.

00.25am: KP smoothly moves to 99, concentrate please Mr P, don’t be an idiot.

00.27am: Yay! (That’s right I said yay), KP makes his century, it wasn’t really in doubt, good job Sir. 343/2.

00.36am: Cook is out, he gets a slight inside edge and Haddin makes a brilliant diving catch (1st Aussie praise so far in the whole series) it brings Colly to the crease, last time he batted in Adelaide he got 206!

00.42am: Just looking at a replay of Cook’s dismissal, I might be in the minority here but one of the reasons I love cricket is the respect and honesty that has always been displayed by the people playing it, so when Cook knew he had touched the ball he should immediately have walked, everyone knew he was out, including Cook himself but he waited for the umpire to give him out, to coin a phrase “It’s just not cricket!”

00.50am: I am witnessing a left arm bowler lobbing shit down again and again who is about to go for over 100 runs, It is as though Johnson is still here…Well done Doug!

00.52am: Here is an example of Ponting being fucking clueless, he has noticed that KP struggled against 1 short ball so sets a field with 3 fielder on the boundary for the pull shot, Siddle throws 2 shit waist high balls in a row and KP dispatches them for consecutive fours and dissects the men standing on that boundary…I repeat, fucking clueless!

01.04am: Refilled my Pepsi.

01.15am: KP and Colly are really motoring now, scoring runs for fun. England 389/3.

01.24am: England bring up their 400 with Colly smashing two 4’s in a row.

00.25am: KP smashes X-Doh for 6 straight down the ground, I bet the selectors are so glad they picked X-Doh to make KP struggle!!

01.30am: I feel like I am singling X-Doh out for extra criticism but his Ashes series bowling average is 120! That means he has conceded 120 runs for every wicket he has taken, a bad average is over 40 so make your own conclusion to that!

01.50am: The toastie machine is on and I’m preparing for a quick toastie and then FIFA!

01.59am: KP sweeps hard and gets to his 150, great job.

02.00am: Lunch, England are 449/3, KP is 151 and Colly is on 40, I make myself 2 cheese and ham toasties and devour before FIFA.

I play danbase in a Manchester derby, I play as City and he, Utd, it is quite a boring game, I make more chances but no goals until the 82nd minute when a corner gets cleared and Kolo Toure picks it up turns one way then the other past two defenders and hammers it low in off the post, it is the only goal of the game and I win 1-0.

Fredi Fudpukka – danbase

Manchester City Vs Manchester Utd


K. Toure 82’                       

02.40am: 1st over after lunch bowled by Twatto.

02.45am: With one shot, Collingwood brings up both the 100 partnership with him and KP and also England’s 450.

02.49am: Colly is out LBW for 42, Twatto gets one to seam slightly and replay shows it was out, England 452/4

03.06am: Considering he is probably 5th choice bowler, Twatto is actually bowling quite well (praise again, I must be ill!)

03.08am: I assume everyone knows about @theashes by now, she has just tweeted…

“So do they really say horrible things to each other to try and break concentration? That’s allowed??”

…Bless her!

03.21am: The pub has just closed and Faye has come upstairs, late night! The scoring has slowed down now 489/4

03.29am: I’m quite surprised I’m still awake to be honest, I’m pretty tired but awake, so see how long this lasts.

03.49am: England have passed 500 for the second consecutive innings, really impressive, I notice KP seems to be nursing an injury he looks uncomfortable but nothing too serious.

04.10am: KP is now on 197, but he really seems to be hurting, hope he doesn’t have to retire hurt, England 524/4

04.19am: It is RAINING!! It rains about once every 32 years in Adelaide, it would be today wouldn’t it?

04.22am: KP gets to his 200, great effort from him, didn’t show much problem when sprinting for the single to cross the threshold!

04.40am: Tea, England 551/4, more FIFA? Go on then.

I play Ddark94 (I would assume he is 16, so old enough to play with the big boys!) Once again it is a Manchester derby, (he had already picked Utd so I couldn’t suggest a lower starred battle)

Once again, no long winded explanation of the game because for the second time during this series, the twat quit on me, this time I was 3-0 up with 30 mins to go, can’t remember who scored and it doesn’t matter!

05.04am: No play yet after lunch because the rain is very heavy, I am going to sleep, I honestly don’t think there will be any more play today.

10.28am: Awake, as expected there was no more play and we finished 551/4.

My opinion is that we should declare overnight and have a go at them from the start, the pitch was showing signs of turn for Swanny and with the weather not being great we don’t want to risk losing too much time and letting them bat out a draw.

See you tomorrow.


Sleep total for 1st test – 28.5 hours (still quite respectable but remember bad head + painkillers)

Sleep count for 2nd test – 14.5 hours

Food count for 1st test – 2 Cheese, Ham and Tomato toasties, 2 Ham and tomato ketchup sandwiches,1 Chicken and Mushroom pot Noodle, 2 slices of bread and butter, 2 mallow chocs, 1 WS&V, 1 WC&O, 1 Steak kettle chips (150g), 1 Roysters, 1 crunch corner, Faye’s leftover Cantonese chicken, 4 pints of diet Pepsi, 1 pint of Beck Vier, 1 bottle of diet coke (200ml) and 1 pint of water.

Food count for 2nd test – 4 pints of diet Pepsi, 1 WC&O, 1 pickled onion monster munch, 2 cheese and ham toasties, half a pack of custard creams.

FIFA record P10 W8 D1 L1 – F24 A12.

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After last night’s record of staying up till at least 5.30ish, I have had a long day and will be surprised if I last incredibly long tonight, I have already had a big dinner so once again no need for snacks, I just have my customary pint of diet Pepsi.

11.55am: As always I turn TMSofa on ready and turn Sky down, I place my bets (I won’t go into the bets too much as I will keep those updated in another piece I’m writing) needless to say, I am very confident England will score lots of runs.

00.00am: 1st ball of the day is defended by Strauss and they run a quick single.

00.02am: Fuck me!! Strauss plays to form and gets himself out 3rd ball of the day, opting to leave a straight ball from the rug and it hits the top of his stumps, “Andy….see that wooden thing in your hands….you can stop the ball hitting the stumps with it!!” Just for the record, Strauss has batted in three innings, his scores are: 0, 110 and 1!!

00.07am: The rug and Harris (amongst other Aussies) seem to be wearing an incredible amount of sun cream, 2 things are pertinent. 1) Aren’t they Australian and therefore used to the sun? And 2) they look like a shit/camp version of Kiss.

00.14am: As I said I won’t mention the betting too much but needless to say Strauss fucked half my bets up by being a tool, so I have had to place some more!

00.17am: Trott almost got himself run out in the same fashion he ran Katich out yesterday, fortunately it was X-Doh shying at the stumps and he is a terrible cricketer and misses by 19 meters (ish)

00.27am: Had to nip downstairs and shut the pub, got myself a pack of WC&O and a pack of WPC (prawn cocktail) just in case I get peckish.

00.31am: Despite this being a pitch you could bat on all day, Trott keeps trying to get himself out, this time a thick edge carries to Hussey at gully/square leg, however (inevitably) Hussey drops a pretty easy chance and Trott continues, England 23/1.

00.43am: Nothing to report, just thought I wouldn’t leave too big a gap between entries.

01.07am: Bollinger bowls a ball about 4 feet over and 5 feet behind Cook which goes for 4 wides and brings up one of my bets, tastes sweeter knowing that is how it happened!

01.12am: X-Doh hurts himself whilst diving for a ball that still went for 4 runs, so one ridiculous cricketer nips off for a spot of physio and is replaced by (talking of ridiculous cricketers) Mitchell Johnson, ha ha!

01.24am: By my count England have just gone 13 deliveries without offering a shot due to inaccurate bowling, as if the Aussies weren’t demoralised already!

01.31am: Yawning repeatedly now, not sure if this could be my earliest finish?

01.33am: I thought for a minute X-Doh was warming up for a bowl then, sadly not, he would have been smashed all over the place, although Cook is smashing Siddle all over the place so it doesn’t seem to matter who is bowling. England 78/1

01.38am: Twatto is bowling at the moment, it is just shit after shit, he has hardly bowled 1 decent delivery in this entire spell, surely even Johnson’s wayward bollocks would be better than this?

01.51am: Very tired but think I will be fine to have my lunchtime FIFA battle.

02.01am: Lunch, England are 90/1 and very comfortable, now, FIFA time.

My opponent is Croixfeuillage (French?) and he is hovering over Monaco, they are rated 3 ½ stars, so I go to Newcastle (also 3 ½ stars) and we both select, I enjoy it when people don’t automatically go for the obvious, Real Madrid, Barca, Man Utd, Chelsea or Liverpool (see what I did!), It makes a nice change…and battle commenced.

Now….it was a very poor game, no chances and we were very evenly matched, the only goal of the game came in the 90th minute when Andy Carroll turned on the edge of the box and powered a shot low into the corner, and I won 1-0.

Fredi Fudpukka – Croixfeuillage
Newcastle Utd Vs AS Monaco
Carroll 90’

02.41am: 1st over after lunch.

02.51am: Cook gets his 50, he has now scored over 350 runs in this Ashes series, very impressive.

03.02am: Trott also get to his 50, this is great fun to watch and Ponting literally looks like he is about to cry, I remember reading a tweet this afternoon saying…

“Let’s see if we can get Ponting dropped before the end of the series”

…I laughed but it isn’t out of the question if Australia don’t perk up soon.

03.05am: I mentioned getting crisps before, I never ate them then and am now tucking into the WC&O, yum!

03.13am: Really tired now, may consider calling it a night, I’ll see what happens.

03.21am: The TMSofa team are referring calling Doherty X-Doh, I invented that nickname, I shall remind them!

03:31am: After reminding them that I first coined ‘X-Doh’ they gave me a big shout-out and plugged this diary, what a great bunch of guys!

03.40am: Drinks break, England are 145/1, steady but very secure progress being made, the Aussies are bereft of ideas on how to stop this, it’s beautiful!

03.47am: I am really tired now, definitely going to sleep now.

03.50am: Ok, something happened, Cook was given out while hooking at a delivery, he knows he never touched it and immediately reviews it, the replay shows it brushed his elbow and the decision is reversed, that is so demoralising for them, they finally thought they had their man, sorry guys, better luck next time.

08.53am: Awake, England finished the day on 317/2, a magnificent day again, Trott fell cheaply for 78 with England then on 176, KP comes in after being padded up ready to play (including Brisbane) for about 61 hours and smashes 85 not out in reasonably quick time, but once again it is Cook who is the hero finishing the day on 136 not out meaning ahead of the 3rd day of the 2nd test he has already scored 438 runs, by far and away the player of the series thus far.

So ahead of the 3rd day the target is simple, bat, bat, bat and bat some more, get the total up around 550 if possible, and say to the Aussies, we have just batted for two days, now, can you?

I’ll sign off today with a tweet I have just read, that has made me laugh out loud..

Alastair Cook has been off the field for 11 overs of this series so far. Lazy. #ashes

Thanks to @Rich_Abbott for that.

See you tomorrow.


Sleep total for 1st test – 28.5 hours (still quite respectable but remember bad head + painkillers)

Sleep count for 2nd test – 9.25 hours

Food count for 1st test – 2 Cheese, Ham and Tomato toasties, 2 Ham and tomato ketchup sandwiches,1 Chicken and Mushroom pot Noodle, 2 slices of bread and butter, 2 mallow chocs, 1 WS&V, 1 WC&O, 1 Steak kettle chips (150g), 1 Roysters, 1 crunch corner, Faye’s leftover Cantonese chicken, 4 pints of diet Pepsi, 1 pint of Beck Vier, 1 bottle of diet coke (200ml) and 1 pint of water.

Food count for 2nd test – 2 pints of diet Pepsi, 1 WC&O.

FIFA record P8 W6 D1 L1 – F20 A12.

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Well after a great and very enjoyable 1st test we find ourselves in Adelaide for the 2nd test (I of course am still in Llandudno, N. Wales where currently we have a blanket of snow outside and the temperature is about -2!)

England are riding high after a record breaking second innings of 517/1, 517/1, 517/1…nope, it doesn’t matter how many time I say it, I still struggle to believe it happened, although Strauss’ pointless declaration only helped punter go and crack a needless 50 and give him a little juice coming in to Adelaide (not that a man with an average of nearly 55 needs it!)

Just before I start an update on me, I still have a headache due to the concussion from last week but am definitely on the mend, also I had Pizza and salad for dinner so no need for snacky time, I just have painkillers and a pint of diet Pepsi.

11.30pm: Ponting has won the toss and decided to bat, we could be here for some time!

11.50pm: I turn TMSofa on ready and turn Sky Sports down (if you haven’t tried Test Match Sofa yet, just give it an hour, if you love it, tell them I referred you)

00.00am: 1st ball is delivered by Jimmy.

00.02am: Katich has been run out after Twatto made him go for a non-run, Trott lined it up and scored a direct hit, he never even faced a ball, so if golden duck means out first delivery, what is out without facing a ball?

00.03am: Wikipedia (which is never wrong!) say…

Ruby Duck
A duck when dismissed without facing a ball. e.g. run out without facing or stumped off a wide on the first ball faced.

…I’m not convinced but will go with it for now.

00.05am: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, Ponting edges a perfect ball from Jimmy to Swann at second slip, now that is called a golden duck (don’t need Wiki for that!) Aus 0/2

00.08am: Clarke scores a run – I’m actually disappointed that we didn’t take another wicket, here’s a stat, 4 Australian’s have faced a ball in their first over of a test match!

00.14am: Not disappointed now, Clarke copies Ponting and edges Jimmy to Swanny at second slip, in the words of Rachel’s Open Mic Night crowd….FUCK YEAH!!

00.27am: Jimmy traps Twatto LBW, it looks plum but given not out, England choose to use a review and shitty, shonky, Spectrum ZX standard virtualeye says not out, balls.

00.34am: Hussey mis-times one and gives Anderson a slight caught and bowled chance, it is very difficult and he doesn’t hang on.

01.15am: On TMSofa’s recommendation I have checked out Cricket bet live, they are a specialist cricket betting website that really, really don’t rate the England team and give crazy odds on us, I have placed two bets, the next wicket will fall before Australia reach 91 (currently 52/3) and their total score will be under 400, 1st bet is possible, 2nd bet is printing money!

01.26am: Swann is bowling, really need a wicket please Sir (just because it will be great…but also to win my bet!)

01.48am: Not much going on, at 76/3 my bet is still on, only 10 minutes till my first FIFA battle of the 2nd Test, not making early excuses but I’ve been on a bad run recently, we’ll see how that affects me.

01.58am: Watson gets his 50 and knocks my first bet down at the same time, he really is a giant, vain twat!

02.03am: Lunch and Australia are 94/3, a great first session by England on what is basically a strip of tarmac, Hussey and Twatto look quite settled though.

FIFA time, I am paired with Cris281000, we decide to replay Monday’s El Clasico (Barcelona Vs Real Madrid), he gets off to a great start and scores with Ronaldo after only 8 minutes, not sure this is going to be my day, but then Messi twists inside and the defender and scores a brilliant goal, 1-1.

Kaka pops up with a powerful finish to give Madrid the lead only for Messi to equalize again, then on the stroke of half time, Villa scores from a ridiculous angle to give me lead, 3-2 at half time.

It is looking good but then Ronaldo pops up with a great finish and its 3-3, what a game! 5 minutes later Di Maria scores with a header and makes it 4-3, I try hard and eventually get my reward when Villa scores a beauty from long range and its 4-4 at FT.
Extra time happened and blah, blah, blah….and Madrid win 6-4.

Fredi Fudpukka – Cris281000
Barcelona Vs Real Madrid
Messi 12’& 42’ C. Ronaldo 8’, 62’, 96’ and 116’
Villa 45’& 71’   Kaka 36’
                               Di Maria 66’

I can partially blame it on the fact I had no sound due to listening to a brilliant interview with @theashes, here is a link to it, it’s brilliant.

02.42am: Swann bowls first after lunch, let’s hope we can repeat the 1st session with a couple of early wickets.

02.47am: Get the fuck in….Twatto tries one square drive too many and KP takes an excellent catch diving low to his left, Australia 96/3.

03.10am: First yawn of the night, I’m ok, just conscious of the fact that tiredness is setting in.

03.23am: Hussey gets to his 50 and is looking very confident, it’s no problem, just get everyone else out and leave him high and dry.

03.36am: I’m yawning a lot now, feel the end could be nigh, I really want to watch but can’t fight it too much.

03.47am: I don’t feel enough has been made about Matt Prior’s beard, it is just so manly, not in a gay way!

04.17am: I seem to have a second wind, and finally Colly has been replaced in the bowling, sometimes he can be a good option with his change of pace, not today, he has been shit.

04.23am: I still have a bit of a headache so have taken a couple of painkillers, that plus tiredness will probably send me to sleep anytime now.

04.31am: Marcus North feathers a tame Finn delivery straight to Beardy Prior and does two things, most importantly, gives away his wicket and Australia are 156/5, but also wins me a bet, North to score less than 31, thank you namesake!

04.42am: Tea, I have made it to tea for the first time these Ashes, Australia are 159/5, there’s nothing for it, I’m having another game of FIFA.

This time I play epsilon974, he picks Real Madrid and I choose (which might be my favourite team to play as) Manchester City, I won’t give a long and involved description of what happened as it wasn’t a massively exciting game, I control the match but the score line doesn’t reflect the play and I scrape a 2-1 win.

Fredi Fudpukka Vs epsilon974
Manchester City Vs Real Madrid
Adebayor 35’ Kaka 80’
Tevez 62’

05.04am: End of the first over after Tea, I feel quite awake surprisingly.

05.08am: I have just worked out that Faye will be coming through to get herself ready for work in about 2 ½ hours, decision time – shall I stay up or should I get some kip…?

05.13am: Really struggling now, definitely the last entry until tomorrow unless something extraordinary happens.

10.05am: Awake, my morning ritual of checking Sky Sports news is even more fun today when I learn that Australia crumbled to 245 all out, brilliant from the boys, mostly because I had a bet on Australia under 399.5 runs at 2.7 (basically I won my bet)

So let’s hope that the wicket, which all the experts are saying is a run scoring wicket, plays like that and we put some runs on the board from the start, I hope that England get to lunch on about 125/0.

Oh and seeing as you asked, I would put your money (using Cricket bet live) on Strauss and Cook making over their targets and England’s 1st wicket being over as well, basically if England get to 90 without loss….kerching!!

See you tomorrow.


Sleep total for 1st test – 28.5 hours (still quite respectable but remember bad head + painkillers)
Sleep count for 2nd test – 4.5 hours.

Food count for 1st test – 2 Cheese, Ham and Tomato toasties, 2 Ham and tomato ketchup sandwiches,1 Chicken and Mushroom pot Noodle, 2 slices of bread and butter, 2 mallow chocs, 1 WS&V, 1 WC&O, 1 Steak kettle chips (150g), 1 Roysters, 1 crunch corner, Faye’s leftover Cantonese chicken, 4 pints of diet Pepsi, 1 pint of Beck Vier, 1 bottle of diet coke (200ml) and 1 pint of water.
Food count for 2nd test – 1 pint of diet Pepsi.

FIFA record P7 W5 D1 L1 – F19 A12.

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Still got a cracking headache from Saturday’s exploits so once again I am sat here ready for the start of play, I don’t really see any other outcome than a draw but would love to see England pile on the runs just to piss off Ponting, hammer home another 400 during the day would be fucking great.

Sadly I feel I know Mr Strauss well enough that if we make it to tea with a colossal lead he will pointlessly declare and allow the bowlers a go at the top order, either way I’m reasonably sure that when I wake up tomorrow (haven’t made it through the night once yet, don’t think tonight will be the night I do it for the first time) we will have drawn the 1st test despite Australia seemingly having victory in their hands after the 3rd day.

23.44pm: I tune in to TMSofa’s coverage ready for the start (not going back to Sky commentary, from now on I am a devoted Sofa fan, my snack update is quick and simple, I have no snacks at all, I had a lovely meal of chicken and chips before and am completely stuffed still.

00.00am: First ball of the day from Hilfenhaus to Cook, England are starting day 5 on 309/1, that’s right, 309/1…against Australia, in Australia, lovely!

00.29am: Cook brings up his 150, he looks in great touch and could easily bat all day, please let him get to his triple century Straussy, don’t even consider a pointless declaration.

00.54am: As you can see from the gap between entries today is not looking like it is going to be full of incident, England are looking in supreme touch and the Australians don’t look like they can find a way to take one wicket today, let alone another 9!

00.56am: I will assume that someone heard me write that last entry as Trott just gave Clarke some easy 1st slip catching practice, fortunately Clarke is a massive bag of shit at the moment and doesn’t look like he could catch a cold, so inevitably he drops it, I can’t stress how routine a catch that was, poor Pup!

01.01am: As easy as it is to mock Clarke, it is far, far easier to ridicule Mitchell Johnson, firstly it has to be noted that I once saw him single handedly decimate a potent South African attack, make no mistake, on his day MiJo is a dangerous bowler…today is not his day!

After dropping Strauss on 69 yesterday things didn’t look like they could get worse, but his bowling has been garbage and he has just sent a delivery a clear 2 yards behind Cook’s back and it sails all the way for 4 wides, it made Harmison’s opening efforts from 4 years ago seem accurate, we are literally watching the fall of a once average cricketer!

01.16am: X-Doh is on and being shit at bowling, I’m not surprised as he is a shit bowler.

01.19am: After performances in this test, but especially today, I think that Clarke, Johnson and X-Doh could all struggle to make it for the 2nd test, not sure it will, but I would be very surprised if X-Doh ever wears the baggy green again.

Johnson is different because despite how shit he is being (and he is being really shit) Australia know he can do it at the highest level, as for Clarke, he is the heir apparent, the man groomed as Ponting’s successor, could they possibly drop him, for me, I think they should, but don’t think they will.

01.26am: X-Doh has just given 8 byes in 2 balls due to the cracks forming on the pitch, I still think we should bat right through to the end but would love to see Swanny have a go!

01.41am: The aussies are completely hapless, no chance of anything happening here, as much as I am enjoying watching the demoralisation of their bowling attack, this is turning into a moot day of cricket.

01.42am: Jonathan Trott passes 1000 test runs for the year of 2010, very impressive from the South African…Englishman!

01.53am: Cook brings up his double hundred, awesome work from out vice-captain!

01.56am: Turned the Xbox on ready for my ensuing FIFA battle at lunchtime, not making excuses but still got a banging headache!

01.59am: Trott gets to his century meaning all 3 all England’s top batmen have made it to 3 figures, only ever happened once before in the history of English cricket, once again I remind you this is Australia we are playing…in Australia!

02.00am: Lunch break, England are 439/1, that’s 439/1…one more time… four…hundred…and…thirty…nine…runs…for…one…wicket!!!

Here is the bit you are waiting for, my FIFA battle, today’s opponent is Krishan 7, I choose Man City (seem to enjoy playing as city) and he chooses Man Utd.

He is one of those really annoying players that you can’t get the ball from, and he makes the possession pay with a poachers effort from Nani, he takes possession back almost immediately and strolls through the defence and slots home to make it 2-0, I am really struggling here and go in at half-time 2-0 down.

I start the second half in the same vain and narrowly avoid conceding a third, things are looking grim and my unbeaten record looks like going, then a hopeful long ball finds Tevez and a sharp turn leaves him one on one with the keeper and he finishes, maybe a draw is possible, 4 minutes later I get a free-kick from around 30 yards, Tevez steps up and dispatches it nicely to square things up.

I have all the momentum now and a junking run from Tevez down the left side and a low cross finds Kolo Toure in the striker’s position and he slams the ball home, unbelievably I am now in the lead with only 10 minutes left, then Krishan 7 committed the cardinal sin of gaming…


Now this is unforgivable, I send him the standard message…”You got owned, bitch!” but no reply, as it was so late in the game I am not sure whether the 3-2 result stands or as he quit a 3-0 score line should be awarded to me, I’ll take the 3-2 (only because it was late in the game)

Manchester City Vs Manchester Utd
Tevez 60’, 66’ Nani 17’
K Toure 80’ Berbatov 31’

02.44am: Play has resumed, not sure this should be added to the snack counter but got myself a pint of water, also taken two Nurofen for the headache.

02.55am: England reach 444/1, a quadruple nelson!

03.04am: Johnson sends a delivery 2 yards behind cook again for 4 wides, if I was more cynical I would suggest he is playing shit on purpose!

03.12am: Ponting claims a catch from Trott, goes to the 3rd umpire and is inconclusive so given not out, Ponting questions the decision…ooh I hope he gets a fine for dissent, that would be very special!

03.24am: I have just tweeted my 1979th tweet, only special because I was born in 1979, I dedicated it to this diary.

03.37am: England bring up the 500 because of another shite delivery from X-Doh, now 502/1.

03.47am: This is now the latest I have awake since the start of the ashes, is the reason because England have been awesome? Maybe I am just not tired? Maybe it’s because my head is still fucking killing me? Faye has told me to go back to the doctors tomorrow so that is what I will be doing.

Seeing as this is nearly over I may let myself drop off, nothing much more exciting will happen from here.

03.59am: ENGLAND HAVE DECLARED! I fucking told you, Strauss is so predictable, he should have just left Cook to stay out and get his triple century, realistically he could have gone on and got 350 odd, Trott would have made a double century also.

And…Australia could actually win from here, 40 overs and 297 the target, it’s unlikely buy theoretically they could do it.

04.23am: Very sleepy now so definitely the last entry, Australia now need something like 8.5 an over to win which simply isn’t going to happen, I will awaken to find Australia finished on 102/0 therefore making it (as I’ve repeatedly said) a pointless declaration!

11.01am: Awake, I have woken a few times this morning but kept dropping off so this is my official awake time, I was nearly right with my prediction, Australia finished on 107/1 with Ponting hitting 51 and Twatto getting 41.

The result of the first test is a draw meaning my ludicrously optimistic prediction of a 3-0 win for England is still on.

I have really enjoyed the test match though and am very much looking forward to the next one, which is also where I will pick my diary up from.

This test will be remembered for a few things, England’s failure with the bat 1stinnings, Hussey (who was lucky to be playing if you believe some reports) scoring 195, then England’s total dominance with the bat second innings which includes Cook’s magnificent 235 not out.

Bowling wise Finn taking 6 wickets in Australia’s 1st innings was very encouraging and of course Siddle’s hat trick was brilliant (even if he is a massive twat)

For me the most memorable thing (other than Cooky’s 235) will be Australia relying on players who simply aren’t good enough, X-Doh and Johnson will be very lucky to retain their places as Australia have already added Bollinger and Harris to the squad, Clarke won’t be dropped but seriously needs to remember how to play cricket or he will be a weakness that England will exploit every single innings.

All in all I am satisfied with the draw (remember Australia need to win outright as we currently hold the Ashes) and it is definitely advantage England heading into Adelaide on Thursday.

Which is where I will see you next.



Sleep total for 1st test – 28.5 hours (still quite respectable but remember bad head + painkillers)

Food total for 1st test – 2 Cheese, Ham and Tomato toasties, 2 Ham and tomato ketchup sandwiches,1 Chicken and Mushroom pot Noodle, 2 slices of bread and butter, 2 mallow chocs, 1 WS&V, 1 WC&O, 1 Steak kettle chips (150g), 1 Roysters, 1 crunch corner, Faye’s leftover Cantonese chicken, 4 pints of diet Pepsi, 1 pint of Beck Vier, 1 bottle of diet coke (200ml) and 1 pint of water.

FIFA record P5 W4 D1 L0 – F13 A5.

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I never thought I would start any writing from anywhere with the lyrics to a song by Dinah Washington, but the lyrics really do work..come on, sing along..

“ What a difference a day makes – 24 little hours”

..what a difference indeed!

23.44pm: For those keeping up with the diary you will know I had a little accident yesterday and suffered a nasty bang on my head, turns out I am suffering with mild concussion and need to rest for a day or two, on the plus side (and this really is the only plus) It means I can watch the ashes from the start while my fiancé (Faye) has to keep an eye on the pub.

As always a snack update, sadly I’m still feeling a little sick from before so no snacks, just mainlining Nurofen instead..for now!

23.48pm: 1st ball of the day as apparently we need to make up 12 more minutes from day 2, whatever you want! Come on boys, 1st target is lunch, got to make lunch without losing a wicket.

23.59pm: I see Cook is trying to piss me off by making it easy for the aussies, fortunately he edges to the only gap in the slips and it goes for four, come on Cooky, concentrate!

00.01am: Bumble and Warne are having a discussion about being wheeled around Brisbane in a wheelchair…baffling!

00.03am: I’m enjoying the commentary but my head is killing me so considering watching it in silence, only a consideration though, probably won’t.

00.05am: Change of plan r.e. snacks, Faye is preparing me a chicken and mushroom pot noodle, two slices of bread and butter and a pint of diet Pepsi, yum.

00.23am: Pot noodle and bread and butter devoured, Pepsi is a third gone and I feel slightly better, head is still hurting and the noise emanating from downstairs is very loud, but the pub will close in 15 mins and the noise will subside, thank god for that!

England are looking good at 48/0.

00.29am: 50 partnership between Strauss and Cook, good work boys, also love that it came from a mistake by X-Doh, Sky Sports use a graphic to show the partnership and have headshots of both players, Cook looks like he is a) wearing guyliner, and b)cross eyed…it is freaking me the fuck out!

00.35am: An exchange on twitter has made me chuckle a lot, here are two explanations one for people who tweet and one for those who don’t:-

Tweeters: Some girl in Massachusetts has the name @theashes and that has prompted lots and lots and lots of tweeple to tag her in all cricket related tweets to which she is starting to meltdown about, then my mate Adam tweeted me and tagged her in it, with the hashtag #joininginthefun, I am fairly sure she is either going to kill herself or….I don’t have an or!!

Non-Tweeters: Some girl in Massachusetts has the name @theashes (this is your username so you can be individually recognised) and that has prompted lots and lots and lots of tweeple (twitter users) to tag her in all cricket related tweets (status updates) to which she is starting to meltdown about, then my mate Adam tweeted me (messaged me directly) and tagged her in it (included her name as well), with the hashtag (this like stating a topic the tweet is about) #joininginthefun, I am fairly sure she is either going to kill herself (death by her own hands) or….I don’t have an or!!


00.55am: I have dispatched with Sky’s commentary now and on the recommendation of my fellow Sportscast cohort George, I am now listening to the commentary provided by Test Match sofa, it’s very funny, informative and interactive, I actually got a shout out for this diary from them, I will include the live commentary link below, do it, do it now, and mention me if you do!

01.00am: After closing the pub Faye has gone out to meet her sister’s at the nightclub, I told her that she must, must, must pull out the sprinkler on the dance floor!

01.12am: That’s 50 for Captain Strauss, dare I say that England are almost enjoying this now, 45 mins till lunch, that’s the target for now.

01.28am: Decided that I am not going back to Sky’s commentary now, it’s TMSofa from now on.

01.33am: X-Doh has appeared, please spank him to all parts of the ground to make this stupid fucking experiment by Australia go away (anyone that quotes “2wickets in the 1st innings” please remember that Marcus North also took a wicket yesterday with his “right arm filth”)

01.36am: Mitchell Johnson drops a dolly from Strauss, I’m struggling to see what he does…Can’t bowl, can’t bat, can’t field and has a shit moustache, so please keep on selecting him!

01.38am: They show yet another replay of Johnson dropping Strauss and in the background you see the barmy army giving him a standing ovation..haha!

02.00am: Lunch break, England are 135/0 great effort from Strauss 79 not out and Cook 51 not out, now…FIFA time.

My opponent is El Poisono (I guess Spanish?) I play as Man City, he picks Real Madrid.
Two quick early goals from me, a good passing move ending with Adebayor slotting home and a great free-kick from Tevez makes it 2-0 at half-time, no more goals and it’s a comfortable, routine victory for me.

Manchester City Vs Real Madrid
2 – 0
Adebayor 9’
Tevez 20’

02.32am: This headache is not going anywhere despite more painkillers (if you are getting bored of the mentions of my head…tough, it fucking hurts!), however I actually feel quite awake so maybe for the first time I may make it to tea.

02.45am: Strauss is looking brilliant and is now 84 not out, he may very well make it to (should I say it? Might jinx it? Might make it happen? Fuck it, I’m going to say it) his century.

02.58am: Strauss again, but this time he is top edging over the slips to unattractively bring up England’s 150 and still to lose a wicket, great effort guys!

03.03am: An LBW shout against Strauss, the aussies only have 1 review left, please use it, it was never out, they choose not to, England are 157/0.

03.09am: Strauss gets to his century, a captains innings (ooh cliché).

03.16am: Think the painkillers are really kicking in now as I feel very drowsy, my target of making tea may not happen, if this is the last entry I just hope England make it to the end of the day without losing more than 3 wickets.

09.57am: Awake (Faye doesn’t work on Sunday, hence the time), quick check on Sky Sports news and England finish on 309/1 which gives us a lead of 88, an amazing days cricket, Cook reached his century finishing the day on 132 not out (I have a feeling he hardly scored more than that for the entire Ashes 2009, I’ll check that and get back to you) and Trott came in with a very handy 57 not out.

We now have two options, bat hard and fast till lunch and set them a two session target of say 275 and make a game of it, or play safe and bat through till it is a draw, I like seeing a good game of cricket so would love to see the former, but long term a draw is a much better option, especially as we could easily have lost this test.

Did I mention that my head is hurting? Hope it feels better today.

Oh and I sent the link to this diary to Sky Sports Ashes anchor Simon Thomas (@skysports_simon) and here is his reply…

@MarcusjMitchell good stuff. Hope the head’s a bit better and you get better luck with your FIFA opponents this time.

…what a thoroughly bloody nice chap.

See you tomorrow.


Sleep count for 1st test – 22 hours (quite respectable but remember bad head + painkillers)

Food count for 1st test – 2 Cheese, Ham and Tomato toasties, 2 Ham and tomato ketchup sandwiches, 1 Chicken and Mushroom pot Noodle, 2 slices of bread and butter, 2 mallow chocs, 1 WS&V, 1 WC&O, 1 Steak kettle chips (150g), 1 Roysters, 1 crunch corner, Faye’s leftover Cantonese chicken, 4 pints of diet Pepsi, 1 pint of Beck Vier and 1 bottle of diet coke (200ml).

FIFA record P4 W3 D1 L0 – F10 A3.

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It’s 8.27am as I start writing this, I am very tired but need to be up ready for 9.00to get some beer in (to sell, not to drink!) the reason as to why I have no beer in my pub is also the reason I didn’t start watching until late, we had Catfish and the Bottlemen playing last night, don’t be fooled by the name, these guys have some serious game, they also have a serious following, which of course meant my pub was absolutely hammered last night, hence the lack of beer!

Two things have just caught my eye…

1. An advert for the new Hyundai IX20, at the end they park the car on the top of a multi story car park and leave it crookedly across about 4 bays, nothing pisses me off more than some twat parking inconsiderately and here are Hyundai actively promoting it…dicks!

2. On Sky Sports news they have just been talking about the horse racing meeting at Wolverhampton that had to be abandoned because of the snow…Wolverhampton is an all weather track. Surely they need to come up with a new name, as clearly it is not all weather, maybe call it most weather track, or track that is fine unless it’s raining, snowing, hailstones or the wind is blowing from a south easterly direction!

01.14am: So just made it upstairs and turned the TV on, it appears that my message to Mr Strauss didn’t get through….I’m fairly sure that I asked him to have the aussies all out by this time, not sure why that wasn’t done.

I had a couple of pints tonight while the band were playing so that has already made me feel a little more tired than I wanted but we’ll see how long I can last.

As always my snack situation – 2 Ham and tomato ketchup sandwiches, 1 bag of cheese and onion crisps, 1 bag of Roysters steak crisps (amazing if you’ve never tried them) and a small bottle of diet Coke, Faye had a Chinese for dinner and there is leftover crispy Chicken Cantonese style should I get peckish later (although with that amount of food, it’s unlikely…)

Oh and for the record, Australia are 290/5 having not lost a wicket in the first hour and three quarters, although I find out that Hussey was caught plum LBW by Anderson but England have used all their reviews up, good work ICC, come up with a system to stop umpires dropping massive clangers and then use a contradicting system to prevent the teams from using it!!

01.20am: Michael Hussey is gesticulating wildly towards the crowd above the sight screen, turns out they were committing the heinous crime of…standing up!

01.24am: Colly has a bowl..why not? the others have bowled well but can’t make a breakthrough, maybe a change of pace might work….AHHHHHHH, first ball, Haddin sticks it skywards and just out of Cook’s reach, it was a difficult chance but not to coin a phrase…catches win matches (alright, I coined a phrase!)

01.38am: The camera pans to the aussie bench and Watson seems to be either stretching his bicep or warming up for a lunchtime wank, seeing as he is definitely a massive wanker, I’ll go with the latter!

01.41am: They are now showing the 94th slow-mo replay of Cook just getting his fingertips to that catch before, seriously, it was a difficult chance!

01.48am: Bumble proves why he is a cricket genius, England ask for the ball to be changed as it is becoming misshapen (really, any excuse to try and mix this up, Australia are running away with it) Bumble says “They normally have a ring that if the ball passes through then It’s ok to carry on, I expect he has on in his pocket” 5 seconds later umpire Billy Doctrove pulls said ring out of his pocket… Bumble, we are not worthy!

01.52am: So FIFA time in 10 mins, just psyching myself up ready for the upcoming battle, while I’m psyching myself up Hussey gets a top edge but it sails over the slips and goes for 4 runs, lucky bastard.

01.54am: Jimmy is starting to get pissed off now, yet Hussey still finds another gap in the field and Australia are now 327/5, I polish of the Cantonese chicken that Faye left behind, delicious.

02.01am: Lunch, Australia are 329/5 and have dominated this session, all the bowlers put in a good shift (except Swanny who is struggling a little) so just need the luck to go with the endeavour.

FIFA time, I’m paired with someone called SuperSkope, I choose to play as Chelsea while he opts for AC Milan, I start very well and am in the lead after 5 mins, Drogba gets a lucky rebound and slots it in the corner, but Milan hit back almost immediately with a looping header from Pato 1-1, the 2nd half starts and I am very quickly back in the lead with Drogba again, a lovely low cross from Malouda and a comfortable finish.

I dominate the game but cannot put it out of reach and pay the price when a hopeful punt up field finds its way to Ibrahimovic and he tucks it away for a late equalizer, it finishes 2-2, the options of what to do next are, play extra time, extra time plus pens or finish as a draw, 99% of people select extra time and pens…except for this girly twat, he ends it as a draw and vanishes.

I naturally send him a message suggesting he has an inappropriate relationship with his mother but alas, the result stands thus ending my 100% record.

Chelsea Vs AC Milan
2 – 2
Drogba 5’ & 48’ – Pato 11’, Ibrahimovic 86’

02.30am: Despite the exciting game of FIFA I am seriously tired now, coupled with Australia playing so well I think that unless we take a wicket before 3am I may just settle down a get some sleep.

08.01am: Awake, I turn Sky Sports news on to find Australia amassed a total of 481, so that pretty much puts paid to England winning the first test, now we have to bat all day at least to give us a chance of the draw, Finn took 6/125 on his ashes debut, scant consolation but hope for the next test (unless you are Chris Tremlett, guaranteed to be sat on the bench for 4 more tests!)

I apologise for posting this late but have just returned from casualty after banging my head on a low doorway very, very hard, no lasting damage (I hope) but I have a crazy headache and a sore neck so I plan to rest up and see if there is any chance I will make it to the start of play, let alone my half-time FIFA battle.

See you tomorrow.


Sleep count for 1st test – 15 hours.

Food count for 1st test – 2 Cheese, Ham and Tomato toasties, 2 Ham and tomato ketchup sandwiches, 2 mallow chocs, 1 WS&V, 1 WC&O, 1 Steak kettle chips (150g), 1 Roysters, 1 crunch corner, Faye’s leftover Cantonese chicken, 3 pints of diet Pepsi, 1 pint of Beck Vier and 1 bottle of diet coke (200ml).

FIFA record P3 W2 D1 L0 – F8 A3.

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I had a good response to day 1 from friends, randoms and even some journalists which is encouraging so I shall continue, as I write this (09.03am) I am watching highlights from last night, it is 7pm in Brisbane and still a balmy 20 degrees, in Llandudno it is…..snowing, a lot!!

Trust me though, I would much rather be here in the fucking arctic circle of N. Wales than down under in a place that has 320 days of sunshine per year, much, much happier here!

I wrote yesterdays diary retrospectively and used a text commentary to get the times right, however today I made notes so as to be more accurate and am posting it much earlier, If there is anything I need to add I will do so afterwards.

01.25am: For those who don’t know anything about me or the pub, Thursday night is Open Mic night and is a very, very popular night and proved so once again, after finally getting rid of all the piss-heads and closing down I set myself up ready to watch the cricket.

You know the set-up now so here is a snack update, I have made myself 2 (yep, 2!) cheese, ham and tomato toasties with extra strong cheddar, I also have a pint of diet Pepsi, 2 mallow chocolates and a pack of WS&V, now this might seem like a lot of food…..it is!

England have failed to make any sort of breakthrough, Katich and Watson are looking reasonably comfortable and the Aussies are 78/0.

01.26am: Seems I picked a good time to start watching as there is a review straight away, Watson LBW, it is not out and England ask for a review, the Australian TV network covering the Ashes are not using hawkeye but something called virtualeye, as far as anyone can see it is the same and it shows the ball sliding down leg side, so not out.

01.28am: It appears Anderson’s ploy to upset Watson has worked as he edges a straight one right down the throat of 1st slip Andy Strauss. OUT, 78/1.

01.32am: Just to show how much attention I pay sometimes, I have only just noticed in the bottom left hand corner of the screen (assuming you are watching Sky Sports) it tells you who is facing who, as in batsman Vs bowler, nice touch!

01.47am: Man, staring to feel tired already, it has been a really busy night and coupled with a lack of sleep from the night before, I need to perk myself up!

01.49am: Oh yeah, good point, FM11 update (not played it much tonight), well, I have played 24 this season W12, D5 and L7, currently in 5th place and a whopping 6 points behind….Spurs, who are top, need to go on a bit of a run and a Champions League place is surely within my grasp, also need to sort my front line out, my four strikers are Torres, Aguero, Luis Fabiano and
David N’Gog (don’t be fooled, N’Gog comes good in 2nd season)

Also I was just thinking, I’m glad Stuart Broad doesn’t have floppy hair anymore, don’t get me wrong I had long hair when I was younger, but I didn’t need to pull it back behind my ears between EVERY FUCKING DELIVERY while live on Sky Sports, good lad!

01.52am: Just mentally preparing myself for my upcoming FIFA battle at the lunch break, all the food has now been devoured and I have half a diet Pepsi left.

01.58am: Finally Swanny comes in for an over and his first delivery has lots of turn, encouraging but I can’t help but feel he should have come on earlier.

02.02am: Lunch break, Australia are 96/1.

02.03am: FIFA time, I come up against TerrorTimpski, he chooses Inter Milan and I opt for Man Utd, slow start to the game and nothing really happens in the first half and we go in to the break 0-0.

After half time it is a different story, I race out of the blocks and score a delightful header after 47mins with Rooney after a cross from Nani, we had barely restarted when a through ball from Rooney finds Berbatov one on one with the keeper and calmly slides it past for 2-0 after 51 mins.

Now Inter start to come back and they score through Sneijder with a long range effort after 58 mins and its game on, however my defence proves too strong and I hold on for a deserved victory.

Manchester Utd Vs Internazionale
2 – 1
Rooney 47’ Sneijder 58’
Berbatov 51’

He wanted a rematch but there wouldn’t have been time before play resumed so maybe next time, loser!

By the way, if anyone thinks they are man enough to take me on at lunch tomorrow, my gamertag on Xbox live is Fredi Fudpukka and I’ll be waiting at 02.00am for anybody who thinks they are hard enough (not sure if that sounded perverted but I’m going with it anyway!)

02.42am: I have barely taken my seat after a pit stop when Ponting tickles on leg side straight to Prior and he is OUT! I feel a second wind and set myself a target of making it to tea at least, 96/2.

02.50am: Katich gets his 50, what an annoying bastard, how do you get him out?

02.55am: Ahhh, that’s how you get him out, caught and bowled by Finn, great work by 6’7” Finn to dive so low, so quick to catch that, can’t imagine Crouch (same height) would have looked quite so graceful!!

03.01am: This has been bothering me for a while, Steven Finn reminds me of someone and I have just figured it out, he looks like Dr Caroline Todd from Green Wing (which, in case you never watched it, is fucking brilliant)

Hmmm you decide??

03.08am: Finn (and pretty much everyone else) think that Clarke has been caught behind, umpire says no and Strauss immediately reviews it, nothing on slow-mo or on hot-spot and it is turned down.

Snicko is not being used for reviews but Sky Sports has it in use anyway, and it shows that the ball did feather the inside edge, hope that doesn’t come back to haunt us.

03.20am: UH…OH!! really starting to flag now, don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to stay awake!

08.12am: Awake, check the score and England only took 2 more wickets and the aussies finish on 220/5, with Mr Cricket (FYI… shite nickname) on 81 not out, although from what I have seen it seems that the umpires are definitely in collusion with the aussies as we could easily have had another 45 mins play, Jimmy, Broad and Finny would have torn through that tail, but hey ho.

Seeing as I have been writing this and not getting anymore sleep I will no doubt be fucking knackered for tonight when we have one of the biggest bands in town playing and we will be very busy, also means I will yet again miss the first hour or so.

So, Mr Strauss (I know you are reading this) I require the boys to finish off the aussies for under 300 and you and Cooky to put around 50 on ready for when I come upstairs and settle down for day 3.

Oh and in case you wondered, it’s still very bastard cold.

See you tomorrow.


Sleep count for 1st Test – 10 hours.

Food count for 1st Test – 2 Cheese, Ham and Tomato toasties, 2 mallow chocs, 1 WS&V, 1 Steak kettle chips (150g) 3 pints of diet Pepsi and 1 pint of Becks Vier.

FIFA record for 1st Test – P2 W2 D0 L0 – F6 A1.

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So I thought it might be fun to do an Ashes diary, but from my perspective (bearing in mind I am a pub landlord, so staying up watching cricket all night is definitely not helping with my 200 hour working week!) as there are numerous diaries being kept by players and journalist alike who are currently enjoying 30 degree heat in Brisbane, while I am in Llandudno where it is a cool 2 degrees!

I will try to be informative about my goings on, my reactions to the events unfolding at the Ashes, my eating habits and how long I actually manage to stay awake before succumbing to the sandman and some well deserved shut eye.

Firstly let me set the scene (so you know from what situation I will be watching the Ashes) I have a 50” TV (not showing off, just setting the scene), Sky HD for crisper viewing pleasure, I have my laptop open in front of me with tweetdeck on the screen and Football Manager 2011 minimised ready to be played at anytime (I’m playing as LFC (of course) and am in my 2nd season, played 22, on 40 points in 4th place only 4 points off Chelsea in 1st, thanks for asking) I also have an uber-large bag of steak flavour kettle chips and a pint of diet Pepsi (not a fan of sugar in drinks)

Nov 24th

11.50pm: I lock the front doors of the pub having sent Watty home before we both missed the first ball, I prepare the snacks and drinks and take my seat, all the anticipation, the talk and the build up was finally over, I put a war-cry on twitter in case Swanny is checking his tweets.

Nov 25th

00.01am: The first ball of the ashes is delivered by Hilfenhaus and well left by Strauss, I put a jokey tweet referring to Steve Harmison’s first delivery four years ago going straight to second slip and chuckle to myself!

00.02am: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!! Strauss edges the 3rd ball of the match straight into Michael Hussey’s hands….Brilliant, England are 0/1, I smell a sense of familiarity about this but remain confident.

00.45am: Finished my pint of diet Pepsi, wondering if I can be arsed to go get another, I can, and do. Starting to feel a little tired now so go and open a window and let some cool air in (as recommended on The Ashes Sportscast special featuring me, and George) Cook and Trott were in and we are 28/1, it was jittery at times but at least we haven’t lost another wicket.

01.15am: Trott plays and misses a straight one from Watson and is clean bowled, it becomes 41/2, amateurish batting from Trott, I’ll put it down to nerves and hope he comes back stronger, meanwhile KP enters the fold to a massive roar from the barmy army, hope his form is better than his moustache!

01.40am: Finally Xavier Doherty (X-Doh from now on) comes in to face KP, the aussies only picked him for this reason so it had better work, because other than KP’s frailty against left arm spin there simply isn’t another reason for X-Doh to play, he is at best a mediocre cricketer with both a poor bowling and batting average in first class cricket.

01.55am: X-Doh bowling at KP, KP sends the ball straight back at X-Doh and he shies to throw the ball back, no reaction from KP, next delivery X-Doh does launch the ball back towards KP, misses and almost overthrows for 4, the crowd enjoy it but KP just grins straight at X-Doh, what a plum!

02.00am: LUNCH and England are 86/2 after X-Doh dropped a dolly from Cook, I contemplate a bacon and cheese sandwich but really can’t be bothered, instead I have a game of FIFA 11 online, I play as Man City vs. Real Madrid (jwills86 – his gamertag) I take the lead after 4 mins with a cheeky little side foot from Adebayor (Mancini might not rate him but on FIFA I love him) Real equalise with a lucky rebound before I turn the style on and win 4-1 (Adebayor 4, 24 & 70, Milner 38) I celebrate with some crisps!

02.40am: Play gets underway for the second session, I am now officially getting tired, so I pause it and go for a quick walk to liven myself up for 10 mins I return and skim through to catch up and find a text that has been sent to the BBC website…

Jack: “Doherty’s inclusion is like playing Rory Delap in every game of the World Cup finals because a keeper ‘apparently’ has trouble with long throws. KP should be fine. (Prays I haven’t jinxed him).”…couldn’t agree more!

03.30am: KP is out to Siddle driving the wrong line and edged, England are 117/3 and to be honest, struggling. This is also the last real memory of live cricket I have.

07.45am: I wake up as Faye comes through to the lounge to get ready for work and I put Sky Sports news on, Siddle (who my brother Rob once said has a face you wouldn’t get tired of punching) got himself a hat –trick and finished with 6/54 (proving my brother right!) England all out for a below par 260.

So after watching brief highlights of what I missed I then watched Champions League highlights from last night and promptly have another 90 mins sleep before getting the pub ready for opening.

Turns out I could have stayed asleep because at 2.00pm I still hadn’t had one customer in…Fucking typical.

See you tomorrow.


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