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Archive for the ‘Drunken Punditry’ Category

-GUEST POST-

Being a lifelong Liverpool fan it’s been heart breaking watching their recent demise. I have spent many a sleepless night analysing the reasons of this dramatic fall from grace, and I know most of you reading this will be thinking one of three things, the sale of the club to the money hungry Americans, the crazy philosophies of Rafa Benitez or the unfortunate appointment of ‘Mr Nice Guy’ Roy Hodgson. All plausible and possible reasons, but I have looked deeper than this. Think back to the great Liverpool teams of the 70’s and 80’s. Picture these Liverpool greats; Keegan, Toshack, Rush, Souness, McDermott, Johnston, Lawrenson and Dalglish. Maybe not that much in common you may think! But now picture these current Liverpool players; Reina, Konchesky, Skrtel, Shelvey, Spearing, Meireles, Ngog and Babel. For those of your who haven’t realised the significant difference between these two groups of people it is very simple….. HAIR!

Not in my memory has a Liverpool team been so low down in the league. Is it a coincidence that I have also not seen a Liverpool team with so little hair? I think not! The awesomeness of Keegan’s perm, the sheer brilliance of McDermott and Sourness’s hair ‘tache combo were simply sublime! Rushies moustache was magical(RIP) and Dalglish’s flowing locks…. Just magnificent!

If you need more proof look back to the mid 90’s. The dark days of the Souness era, very tough times I’m sure you’ll agree. Yes Souness still had his spellbinding combo but look at the players we had; Dicks, Thomas, Grobelaar (began receding the 90’s), Wright, Matteo, Babb and Ruddock, all bald or balding and all part of a desperately mediocre tenure. When things started looking during the Houllier days he brought in players such as Hyypia, Smicer, Barmby and Berger. Unfortunately there was also Camara, Diouf, Traore and Heskey, and although things were looking up it was always going to be a roller-coasterster ride. Then Benitez came in and brought in the likes of Garcia, Alonso and Kewell, all with beautiful heads of hair. We then went on to win the Champions League and come the closest to winning the Premiership since its incarnation.

Yes it would be simple and easy to blame Hodgson and his overly polite manner but I would ask you to take a deeper look at the signings and selections he made during his short time at the helm. Was there ever enough hair in his team? No. Could he have given chances to players with more hair (Pacheco and Kelly sooner than he did). Yes. Please do not think for one second that I believe Poulsen should be playing, how he has made a career as a footballer amazes me!

Its no coincidence that, when Fernando Torres* cut his hair short that the goals began to dry up and he seems to be getting better and better with every game that goes by without a haircut. Nor is it just by chance that when Gerrard stopped shaving his head and left it as a nice sensible crew cut that he became one of the best midfielders in the world!

Fortunately for us suffering Reds fans the king is back where he belongs, if anyone knows how important having enough hair per player is then it is Mr Dalglish. With Konchesky dropped and soon to be shipped out and Babel gone expect players with hair to be signed and the good times to return (Hooray!)

I predict a bright future under Dalglish. I am already hearing whispers of Fellaini crossing Stanley Park,Yossi making a return and Gattuso perhaps in a player coach role. Oh and expect Lucas to start growing a moustache! Just as soon as he starts puberty!

Written by Shaun ‘the newest Special guest of the Podcast Four’ Hurley. Or as I (George) have always known him Mr “Bear”.

*As this article was written before Fernando sought alternative employment, I hope he goes for the EDL-Paul-Konchesky-style-bald-man look.

**Andy Fucking Plenty of Hair King Carroll has signed. So this theory clearly has been listened to by the LFC hierarchy.

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The New Year is under way, the drinks have been flowing and Andy Gray, Jamie Redknapp, Gabriel Marcotti, Alan Shearer and Ron Atkinson got together for a little chat. This is an edited* version of the pearls of wisdom flowing from the mouths of our most revered football pundits.

The night started with this gem from Mr Gray

“Would Barcelona be able to cope with the physicality of the Premier League? With the long throws and long balls that teams like Stoke and Blackburn would play against them? I don’t think so.”

Marcotti: Didn’t Barcelona beat Chelsea and Man United on the way to winning the Champions League recently?

Gray: Yeah but…

Atkinson: Bloody Spanish teams, keeping the ball on floor, knocking it about, they’d be done over in the Premier League.

Redknapp: Literally my Dad, he’d know what to do.

Gray: If only I had my electronic master Sky curly lines and red circles, I’d prove Stoke are a better side than Barcelona.

Marcotti: Didn’t Barcelona recently win every competition they entered in a season? The sextuple?

Gray: They didn’t win the Premiership though did they?

Atkinson: No they didn’t.

Marcotti: No, erm, they didn’t…

Redknapp: Literally, no they didn’t.

Shearer: I can confirm he’s right Gabby. Although my knowledge of Barcelona is limited.

Gray: So we agree I’m right? Majority rule and all that?

Redknapp, Atkinson, Shearer: Yes Andy.

Marcotti: Hmmm…

The conversation moved on, the pundits discussed the finer points of Zonal Marking, foreign players diving, too many foreign players, foreigners, immigration, the BNP**, and Marcus Desailly.

**that was mainly Big Ron

As things settled down, the conversation moved onto the World Cup 2010 – and more specifically the England failure.

Shearer: Too many foreign players.

Atkinson: Yeah, couldn’t agree more.

Gray: You’ve gotta blame the manager for me.

Redknapp: My Dad, literally, would’ve won it.

Marcotti: Don’t you think England achieved what was expected and lost to a better organised side in Germany?

Atkinson: No, we beat them in the war.

Redknapp: Literally, my Dad would’ve beat them in the war.

Shearer: I’d have scored. Although my knowledge of their team is severely limited.

Marcotti: But I was reading the other day, in this excellent book by Kuper and Szymanski , that England have done as well as can be expected over the past 30 years. Using a statistical analysis of every game, the players available, they found and I’ll quote

The record over the past 30 years has been remarkably consistent, with England usually hovering somewhere towards the back of the top 10 teams in the world. Which is about where we should be, given the size of our population and the percentage of that population that plays the game.

Atkinson: Nonsense.

Gray: Rubbish.

Redknapp: Literally.

Shearer: Limited.

Marcotti: Thanks for that. Good comeback. I’m off. Bye lads.

Atkinson: Bloody foreigner.

*By edited I mean mostly made up. However, here’s a few real quotes.

Andy Gray:

For my money, Duff servicing people from the left with his balls in there is the best option.I don’t like to see players tossed off needlessly

There are a lot of tired legs wearing Tottenham shirts.

Ron Atkinson:

Goalkeepers aren’t born today until they’re in their late 20s or 30s and sometimes not even then. Or so it would appear. To me anyway. Don’t you think the same?

It’s like a toaster, the ref’s shirt pocket. Every time there’s a tackle, up pops a yellow card. I’m talking metaphysically now of course.

Chile have three options – they could win or they could lose. It’s up to them, the tide is in their court now

Anyway, to finish off, this is a video that is just classic and features my favourite football commentator, who, despite his many gaffes, knows what he’s talking about. Chris Kamara, teek a bow son.

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